Feels like today was the first ray of sunshine I've had in a while. & I'm not just talking about the weather. Ironic though that I wore my new yellow t-shirt, but then it rained. hah. reminded me of Harold and Maude. This strange 70s movie. Anyways. my favorite scene is when everyone is leaving the cemetery. Everyone is obviously wearing black and they all have their umbrella's open because the rain has started to cascade down. Standing out from all of the drab black umbrella is Maude with her flamboyant yellow umbrella. I love that image.
Everything has just been awful lately though. I have now realized how much my ex boyfriend is really NOT into me. (yes, I saw that movie) and that I won't get him back. So I just get to watch him three days a week flirt with all the other girls, even hang out with him outside of school and completely ignore me. I'm so jealous and upset all at the same time that it's sickening. Because I know those stupid girls don't notice his flirting.. I know how interested he is in one of them. She has a boyfriend for heaven's sake! I feel so alone. So utterly alone. He was my summer last year. He was the person I called when I was bored. He was the person who let me know I was not alone and I am completely cut out of his life in every way and I get to watch him make a new one. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!
ALSO~! I keep hearing him constantly mention eloping. I have heard him say eloping about three times in one hour. That totally hurts because my father told me that he was more than willing to give me and this boy money to get eloped. && this boy knew that. BAH!
So. I'm home for most of my life right now. & I'm miserable. I hate this house. I love my parents, but they're driving me crazy and are the constant reminder of how badly I really don't have a life. I cannot drive, I cannot escape. I feel so alone socially and it's miserable.
&& Don't get me wrong. I know God is there. He never leaves me. He is my strength. His love is more pure than anyone. I know.
but. I had a good day today. I spaced out my school so I was always busy, always had something to do. & I wore a bright color shirt and got out of the house to buy new body wash with my mom. I love body wash.
& I get to hang out with Melissa tomorrow, even though she always talks about her boyfriend. But I'm spending the weekend with my dad; he talks to himself (or could be to me) about stuff no one cares about and just goes on and on about it or the cats I swear he talks to the cats more that he does humans. I dare not even comment on his temper. fun fun. Maybe we'll go see Bolt.
I said 'but' a lot in this post.
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